Fun times

I went out into the country side with a couple of friends including Carol and we had a lot of fun. I found out that I love love LOVE dune buggys. I mean I am making it my mission to buy or build one by the end of this year, it was sooo much fun! Other than that, it was a bunch of us just having a good time, cooking out and drinking and talking. I hung back a little at first, lost in my BS introspection but after a little while I was able to get into the swing of the party and enjoy my time.

Particularly after riding in the dune buggy.

What it really reinforced for me though was that i cant run away from my home and I can still live my life and have fun. Joy is not something which is external it is inside me and inside us all and Slenderman cant take that away. When I was out there riding around with the sun set in the distance, the wind rushing thru my hair and nothing but land and road before me, I just knew. I felt it in my bones that life could still be worth living even when the bad things happen.

So Slenderman and all your cronys? Fuck off and stop pestering people. And every one out there who feels hopeless and scared or is thinking about running, stop feeling so bad. Youre still here to breath the air and everything will be alright in the end...one step at a time were gonna take this thing on. You just gotta stay strong.

-June

Fuck.

i didn't post that. Or at least, I dont remember posting that. Whatever the case, i changed the password on my account to be sure. I'm worried that theres someone out there who knows about me or some 'proxy' thing, although Im not sure about those people or their motives. I think maybe it's just crazy fucks who think they're serving a greater cause by 'joining' Slenderman or whatever the hell that means. I dont think Slenderman can take over people, personally. It just doesnt seem....right.

regardless...we'll see how things go these next few days. Carol's been staying over because shes understandably worried bout me, and every day I grow more and more ready to tell her about all this. She already knows something is up...it's only a matter of time before i blow my cover, like get drunk and fuckin tell her or something. lol I also like how this blog has become so dead serious and now its all about my feelings and thoughts even though this is something I never wanted to do in the first place. lol

In Slender news, Ive seen the children more andmore lately...it kind of scares me. I woke up in my bed the other day and there were...actually children standing there. At least 10 of them, staring at me with blank expressions and white faces. Does it have to do with that post about the children and Father Dearest? maybe. Im not smart or informed enough to know. by extension I've seen Slenderman a lot more lately along with them, though not when they are in my bedroom strangely enough. he appears standing in all sorts of places, watching children, just standing there staring.

I really wish there was some way of getting out of this. But Im not giving up just because my life isnt going as planned. No, that isn't how I live my life and just because Slenderp is around doesnt mean I'm going to give him what he wants and ruin myself. I will survive. I am woman, hear me roar!! Other cheesy song refference! XD

So yeah. I know no one is reading, but adios!

The children are here, and they're veeeeery upset with Little June. You see, they thought she'd have done better and found them all by now and returned them to their Mommies and Daddies the way things used to be. But she hasn't been doing nearly as well as they'd hoped, and now they're considering taking her with them to Father Dearest.


We'll just see how that turns out.

Dreaming

I had a dream last night where i was running through some sort of forest, laughing and playing with all the white faced children who have been taken by Slenderman recently. we ran and we ran for what seemed like hours and then finally, we came to a great source of light in the middle of the forest. I think markus was there and before I woke up, he said something to me that left me feeling really good about all this, but I dont remember what it was.

It gave me hope though. It made me think about all Ive lost but also reminded me that hey, I havent gotten drunk in a while! And I've still been stable without the alcohol! I'm not saying Im full blown sober now because a good beer right now would be the greatest fucking thing but damn, I'm trying to get through this and I think i am. My 'normal' life is doing pretty well, minus the fact that my dad is dead.....I still don't know how to cope with that, in front of people or alone. It's like there's two versions of June, the one peopel talk to who loves her dad and gets teary eyed, and the June in private who is silently scheming to figure out the mystery behind my dad's death and my mom's disappearance and trying to figure out how to get markus back...how do i reconsile these things?

Carol and her boyfriend Tom have been asking about me lately. When Im not out hanging with them being sad about my dad I'm being a reclusive shut in and doing all the research I can into this. It doesnt seem like there's much in the way of solutions, but if i keep living my life then, well....I'll keep living my life!

Adios blog-goers, here's hoping for the best.

Plans.

I'm finding a bit normality in routene again. I haven't had time to update the blog though :( so sad, all you non-existent watchers. Id make contact with other bloggers but honestly what good would it do? it jus tseems to add unnecessary frenzy that i dont need in my life right now.

Im smiling to try and keep the tears at bay. it still hurts. I never pointed out that Im sure it was Slenderman who killed my dad...because Sherry his girlfriend found him slumped against the wall, his wrists slit, one of those (x) symbol things painted on the wall with his blood. The police suspect some sort of cult or psychopath is responsible but i know the truth. Probably that thing made my Dad kill himself. Sherry is doing almost as bad as I am,and I dont blame her. I don't know what to do right now at all.

But Im begining to formulate a plan. I want to find Markus for my dads sake, and maybe there's some thing behind all this...why are both my mom and dad gone now? What am I to do all alone? I need to enlist help, and my friends are the only real help Ive got now. Im reconsidering telling Paul. And Carol. because Im going to do research and find out more about this stuff. I know I can fight back, I know I can win this. I wont let bad things in life beat me. bad stuff happens everyday, but people get by. And I can get by this and live my life. I havent gotten much sleep lately.

My life is my own and not even Slenderman can take that away from me.

Dads funeral was how i expected it. Short but sweet and I loved every moment and Ive cried a million times to the point where I actually feel dry on the inside, like my heart has had the moisture sucked out of it. I can't drink or do drugs to make this go away, I cant find anything that would soothe this. I'm trying but Im struggling. Its so hard without my dad, I just....I just.........want to make Him pay for this. He's taken everything and I need to get it back. This is MY life dammit, wh ydid you have to come in and fuck up everything? I WILL NOT BREAK TO THIS.

Im shattered but alive...and that is all that matters.

I Am a Wreck of a Human Being

*song lyrics will go here when i feel well enough to fucking write a song about how shitty it feels to lose the most important person in your life to something you don't even know how to fight.*

EDIT:

right now i cant convay
what id like to say today
about the things that have gone away

and left me in tatters, no hope or remorse
the life i once led is dead and gone
i ache inside but my eyes are dry
the few nights ive stayed up crying
feel like a thousand since you've been gone

what will my nights be?
when im tired and poor,
no one to call when
my soul has been pulled
the wreckage that is my heart?
pain is a wound without
its hard but its necessary

i cant help but see it out there each day
this life we lead leaks out into the streets
and covers our heads with dust and blood
its get out of town or bust now, leave me
but i cant leave or lose my life

this vicious painful pressing
against my skull has begun
to get on my nerves and
the ones that have gone
leave pieces to remember by

ive got nothing left to live by
nothing left to live by
nothingleft to live by