Fun times

I went out into the country side with a couple of friends including Carol and we had a lot of fun. I found out that I love love LOVE dune buggys. I mean I am making it my mission to buy or build one by the end of this year, it was sooo much fun! Other than that, it was a bunch of us just having a good time, cooking out and drinking and talking. I hung back a little at first, lost in my BS introspection but after a little while I was able to get into the swing of the party and enjoy my time.

Particularly after riding in the dune buggy.

What it really reinforced for me though was that i cant run away from my home and I can still live my life and have fun. Joy is not something which is external it is inside me and inside us all and Slenderman cant take that away. When I was out there riding around with the sun set in the distance, the wind rushing thru my hair and nothing but land and road before me, I just knew. I felt it in my bones that life could still be worth living even when the bad things happen.

So Slenderman and all your cronys? Fuck off and stop pestering people. And every one out there who feels hopeless and scared or is thinking about running, stop feeling so bad. Youre still here to breath the air and everything will be alright in the end...one step at a time were gonna take this thing on. You just gotta stay strong.

-June

Fuck.

i didn't post that. Or at least, I dont remember posting that. Whatever the case, i changed the password on my account to be sure. I'm worried that theres someone out there who knows about me or some 'proxy' thing, although Im not sure about those people or their motives. I think maybe it's just crazy fucks who think they're serving a greater cause by 'joining' Slenderman or whatever the hell that means. I dont think Slenderman can take over people, personally. It just doesnt seem....right.

regardless...we'll see how things go these next few days. Carol's been staying over because shes understandably worried bout me, and every day I grow more and more ready to tell her about all this. She already knows something is up...it's only a matter of time before i blow my cover, like get drunk and fuckin tell her or something. lol I also like how this blog has become so dead serious and now its all about my feelings and thoughts even though this is something I never wanted to do in the first place. lol

In Slender news, Ive seen the children more andmore lately...it kind of scares me. I woke up in my bed the other day and there were...actually children standing there. At least 10 of them, staring at me with blank expressions and white faces. Does it have to do with that post about the children and Father Dearest? maybe. Im not smart or informed enough to know. by extension I've seen Slenderman a lot more lately along with them, though not when they are in my bedroom strangely enough. he appears standing in all sorts of places, watching children, just standing there staring.

I really wish there was some way of getting out of this. But Im not giving up just because my life isnt going as planned. No, that isn't how I live my life and just because Slenderp is around doesnt mean I'm going to give him what he wants and ruin myself. I will survive. I am woman, hear me roar!! Other cheesy song refference! XD

So yeah. I know no one is reading, but adios!

The children are here, and they're veeeeery upset with Little June. You see, they thought she'd have done better and found them all by now and returned them to their Mommies and Daddies the way things used to be. But she hasn't been doing nearly as well as they'd hoped, and now they're considering taking her with them to Father Dearest.


We'll just see how that turns out.

Dreaming

I had a dream last night where i was running through some sort of forest, laughing and playing with all the white faced children who have been taken by Slenderman recently. we ran and we ran for what seemed like hours and then finally, we came to a great source of light in the middle of the forest. I think markus was there and before I woke up, he said something to me that left me feeling really good about all this, but I dont remember what it was.

It gave me hope though. It made me think about all Ive lost but also reminded me that hey, I havent gotten drunk in a while! And I've still been stable without the alcohol! I'm not saying Im full blown sober now because a good beer right now would be the greatest fucking thing but damn, I'm trying to get through this and I think i am. My 'normal' life is doing pretty well, minus the fact that my dad is dead.....I still don't know how to cope with that, in front of people or alone. It's like there's two versions of June, the one peopel talk to who loves her dad and gets teary eyed, and the June in private who is silently scheming to figure out the mystery behind my dad's death and my mom's disappearance and trying to figure out how to get markus back...how do i reconsile these things?

Carol and her boyfriend Tom have been asking about me lately. When Im not out hanging with them being sad about my dad I'm being a reclusive shut in and doing all the research I can into this. It doesnt seem like there's much in the way of solutions, but if i keep living my life then, well....I'll keep living my life!

Adios blog-goers, here's hoping for the best.

Plans.

I'm finding a bit normality in routene again. I haven't had time to update the blog though :( so sad, all you non-existent watchers. Id make contact with other bloggers but honestly what good would it do? it jus tseems to add unnecessary frenzy that i dont need in my life right now.

Im smiling to try and keep the tears at bay. it still hurts. I never pointed out that Im sure it was Slenderman who killed my dad...because Sherry his girlfriend found him slumped against the wall, his wrists slit, one of those (x) symbol things painted on the wall with his blood. The police suspect some sort of cult or psychopath is responsible but i know the truth. Probably that thing made my Dad kill himself. Sherry is doing almost as bad as I am,and I dont blame her. I don't know what to do right now at all.

But Im begining to formulate a plan. I want to find Markus for my dads sake, and maybe there's some thing behind all this...why are both my mom and dad gone now? What am I to do all alone? I need to enlist help, and my friends are the only real help Ive got now. Im reconsidering telling Paul. And Carol. because Im going to do research and find out more about this stuff. I know I can fight back, I know I can win this. I wont let bad things in life beat me. bad stuff happens everyday, but people get by. And I can get by this and live my life. I havent gotten much sleep lately.

My life is my own and not even Slenderman can take that away from me.

Dads funeral was how i expected it. Short but sweet and I loved every moment and Ive cried a million times to the point where I actually feel dry on the inside, like my heart has had the moisture sucked out of it. I can't drink or do drugs to make this go away, I cant find anything that would soothe this. I'm trying but Im struggling. Its so hard without my dad, I just....I just.........want to make Him pay for this. He's taken everything and I need to get it back. This is MY life dammit, wh ydid you have to come in and fuck up everything? I WILL NOT BREAK TO THIS.

Im shattered but alive...and that is all that matters.

I Am a Wreck of a Human Being

*song lyrics will go here when i feel well enough to fucking write a song about how shitty it feels to lose the most important person in your life to something you don't even know how to fight.*

EDIT:

right now i cant convay
what id like to say today
about the things that have gone away

and left me in tatters, no hope or remorse
the life i once led is dead and gone
i ache inside but my eyes are dry
the few nights ive stayed up crying
feel like a thousand since you've been gone

what will my nights be?
when im tired and poor,
no one to call when
my soul has been pulled
the wreckage that is my heart?
pain is a wound without
its hard but its necessary

i cant help but see it out there each day
this life we lead leaks out into the streets
and covers our heads with dust and blood
its get out of town or bust now, leave me
but i cant leave or lose my life

this vicious painful pressing
against my skull has begun
to get on my nerves and
the ones that have gone
leave pieces to remember by

ive got nothing left to live by
nothing left to live by
nothingleft to live by

Dad's dead.

I don't know what to do right now. I would drink this away but I'm afraid.

Lol wow.

Been recovering from THAT doozie of a night ever since...my post may not have seemed like it but I was actually plenty loaded with booze on my birthday, for sure. I dont remember Slenderman being in my room that night but drunk me seems to think I was. haha Oh June, you so crazay! seriously though...I can deal with this. Ive seen him several times the past few weeks and another kid has gone missing...but I'm going to figure thsi out. I'll find a way to tell people and keep kids safe. I have to maintain boyancy over this, I cant lose my head and be like my mom. Dont worry about me, imaginary audience. I'll be okay!

told ya didnt I? hehe

yep this is a drunk post altho its nnot as bad as the last onei think. i mean i can still type right a little write. but yea he's in my room...you faceleeeeees dick. get outt here and gimme back my borther. he just keeps staring, he isnt gonna.....woooooow im really drunk right now, and so happy. hehehe but thsi guy keeps lookin at me and its pssin me off.

im gonan get markus back, yhear me?

I'm going to get markus back.

Weeee

happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...yeah, I just turned 21 today. Now its LEGAL for me to drink. haha >:] It's such a surreal thing going through all this while life turns ever on and not knowing where to turn. I decided against letting Paul know what was happening. it just didnt seem like a good idea to get someone else involved. So Im dealing with it alone, but my friends are there for me. Tom and Carol are taking me out tonight with a bunch of other people to celebrate my birthday. Markus still hasnt been found, but theres been some evidence from his room collected which is just more par for the course with all this bullshit. Drawings, notebooks, Slenderman and all that BS. y'know?

so, going out now. expect drunk post incoming.

I've got enemies in high places

I tried to tell one of my friends but she doesn't believe me. It didnt help that I was drunk at the time. I'm usually better at controling myself when Im wasted but what the fuck was I supposed to do? maybe its good Carol didn't believe me anyway. Afterall it seems when you hear about thsi thing it finds you. But then how do you explain me? I didnt know about it...I didnt know what the hell it was until it started taking kids, until HE started doing this to our city. It's being considered a string of abductions and all I can do is sit here and cry and freak out and I don't know what to do, I jus tdon't, how does anyone

no.

Im not gonna fuckin take it sitting down I can tell you that!


I have always been called a strongwilled person and I refuse to run like some other people. not that theres anything wrong with that decision but I cant leave my home. My best and worst years have been here and my dad needs me. my family needs me. and Ill be damned if Im gonna abadon the most important people in my life for this shithead faceless thing...it just boggles my mind. In a strange bit of realistic news, Paul asked me if i needed any help with anything regarding markus and finding him. I havent talked to him since we broke up, but....Im considering asking for his help. I don't know if I shoudl though.

we'll see how things go from here. bye peopel who don't read my blog. <3

Another Song About How Sad I Am

life just threw a curveball
ive come to expect
things i dont expect but
how am i supposed to
deal with this?!

please tell me why this
painful pointed past
has come back to haunt
me!
im burnin up now!!

make the change before shit
hits the fan and goes up in flames
im confused/lost/scared and
broken and im still the same
leave me be for a minute.

hello new friend, how are you?
ive got lots of things
to do, so leave
me alone, yeah get out
of my fucking face

the dam has broken
and the life i led before is
ready to be swept the hell
away from me in a fit
of melancholy

my heads changed
my brains changed
my bodys changed
but you stay the same
staring/watching/waiting for
my biggest mistake

Crazy

This is crazy...this cant fucking be real, but it is.

I've never heard of this Slenderman shit until now, okay? I really had no idea this thing was out there, doing what it's doing, and people were actually dealing with it. I dont understand how this thing can exist in people's minds and in the real world as well. I don't know what to do right now, this is just clogging my vision and it doesnt make any sense. I've seen him more and more often lately...He shows up and sometimes there are kids with him, sometimes when I pass kids on the street he's there. Staring. Doing nothing but staring. I just don't know.

This is all too much for me right now.

I don't know what to do right now or how to put into words what Ive just fucking seen.

Y'know when you see something that just...doesnt make sense? You cant explain it and it wont be believed by anyone, and so you just brush it off and try to stuff it down. Well  icant do that anymore. I thought I was imagining this but I can't be anymore, it doesnt make any sense and I'm perfectly lucid. I'm not doing cocaine, I'm not near scizophrenic like my mom and.......

I saw Markus this time. but he was with that man that Ive been seeing, seeing out of the corner of my eye and feeling in the shadows....literally feeling. markus's face.....it was so pale white, like a ghost. let me try to explain the situation in which this ocured, actually. it'll make more sense in conttext, or at least thats what i hope. actually I'm gonna grab a cigarette first

Okay. What I havent said lately about Markus disappearing is that its not just him. the thing is, lots of kids have been going missing. And they think its some pedophile or something, but I know different. I know different and I CANT FUCKING TELL ANYONE, because they'll just think Im crazy....every time one of these kids, has gone missing I've seen them except markus...until now. There's been....this man. He wears a suit and I thought, 'holy shit, there's the guy!' and reported him to the police. But they have no idea what I'm talking about.

And now....nnow I've seen him with markus. and I don't like it, because markus didn't look human anymore, and the man.....the man doesn't have a face. I...I dont know what to think of that. I dont want to think about that, because it implies so much more is going on here than anyone knows and how do I deal with being the only person who knows about this? What do i do right now? Y'know? I hate it when I'm right.

I hope Im not going crazy, but I'm really questioning myself lately. Maybe I should stop taking these stupid fucking happy pills for my depression and see what happens.

Markus

answers come slowly but without respite
from the pain that we feel each lonely night
answers arent out there
without passing glance
and im wishing that i could just
return to ignorance

life is worth living
shit happens every day
but they constant toil of work and of play
keeps me thinking about this

Missing person photographs
and a cigarette for my
nerves it hurts every day
the work and the play
but that photograph
keeps calling me back

nerves shot, brain dead,
ive gone and done all that i said
but i cant get over the feeling that somethings missing
something is missing.

haven't found him yet

hey again, I hope you know you've ruined my life...you stupid blog. lol

Im thinking laughter is a good way to diffuse the tension in my life right now...dad's a wreck. Moms gone. Markus is gone. and Im probably going out of my mind but just dont knwo it yet. Maybe I really am like my mom in some ways, paranoid and crazy and just out of her head with all these smart things to say and no way to convay them. But Im not really very smart, honestly. People think i am but I'm not. Im just...I dunno, hwo do I put it into words? ugh fuck, I need a smoke.

I'm probably a little too tipsy to be writing this blog post but, y'know? I dont care. I need to get this out ther and not have someone criticize me or tear me down. Ive been...feeling odd lately. thats the only way I can put it. like there is something affoot with my brother getting kidnapped and it just hasnt revealed itself yet. That may sound crazy, but I dunno. my intuition has steered me right before and Im going to trust it this time...investigation is needed, answers are there but buried somewhere secret.

Im gonna write a song about it I think

The Search

Markus still hasn't been found. I've been too pre-ocupied  with that to really update this shitty blog at all and my life has gone to hell since. I just...my mother disappeared as well. The police think she might have been the one too take him, and Im inclined to agree. I should have known the bitch would pull something like this! all that crap about getting straight was fucking BULLSHIT, she just wanted to get inside my goddamn skull and make me fucking thing she had fucking changed. fucking bitch fuck

Ill bet she sold him for drug money or some shit too, the stupid whore..... no, that sounds paranoid and delusional, like my mother. And I refuse to sound like that ever. I don't know what happened to markus and my mom, or why Im even posting about it on this blog, but something is up and I want to find out what. If I can help the police in any way, I will. Maybe this blog could help, maybe Markus has been kidnapped and someone out there knows where he is and will happen upon this blog...

god, hope is killing me here.

Markus is missing. he disappeared from home a few nights ago and no one has seen him since. Theres not a clue of what happened to him so far. I'm not sure what to do right now. My dad called me and He can barely hold himself together right now. I just...what do we do?